


Kishimoto's no good, very bad cast

by Thri_here



Category: Naruto
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Attempt at Humor, Crack, Except in Kishimoto's story, Gen, Humor, Meta, OR IS IT, You can say Kishimoto is a sort-of dimension traveler recruiting actors, everyone's on drugs, just tried to make it canon-compliant since it's basically crack anyway, no beta we die like proud shinobi, or should I say sake, or uh at least, ships honestly aren't important
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-25
Updated: 2020-11-08
Packaged: 2021-03-08 00:20:29
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,962
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26646661
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Thri_here/pseuds/Thri_here
Summary: Team Seven receives the script for Shippuden from Masashi Kishimoto(also titled :Kakashi, no, Kamui doesn't work like--oh for god's sake, Naruto,I'm sorryyou can't do handstands now-- PUT MY RAMEN AWAY--What do you mean I can justswitchyour eyes, boy?--CAN NO ONESEETHE PINK HAIRED GIRL BREAKING FURNITURE???)
Relationships: Dai-nana-han | Team 7 & Hatake Kakashi, Minor or Background Relationship(s)
Comments: 15
Kudos: 25





	1. Kakashi

**Author's Note:**

> So basically I have no idea how this came to be but uh, this is a very nice world where nobody dies. They're all actually from a completely different, _nice_ dimension and Kishimoto's a sort of dimension peeker who gets them to act to film his Shippuden episodes.
> 
> Before you ask for it, you _can _, in fact, have what I'm smoking once I'm clear-headed enough to read off the labels.__

A man in a run-down jersey sits with his head in his hands, inwardly cursing himself for making "late" a character trait. 

Why can't the audience like nice people and not late problem kids?

"Interesting," a voice chuckles, and Kishimoto almost falls off his chair, "The audience likes interesting people, not late ones."

Kakashi plops down into the cushion opposite to Kishimoto's desk and takes out the dumb book.

"Maa, sensei," he begins, eyes crinkling in the barest imitation of a laugh," Before you ask me why I was late, I had this run-in with an old lady--"

"Stop..I..I've accepted you for who you are.." he says, and hey, it would be sweet sentiment if you drain the resignation from it.

Kishimoto fumbles through the stack of papers in front of him and hands Kakashi his script.

"I take it that you've read it at least more than three-fourth of it."

"Uh-huh," Kakashi hums, Obito's eye (slightly discomforting calling it that but if he let anything else slip he wouldn't hear the end of it) flitting through the script. All of a sudden he goes _still_.

"Um, if it's about Obito, I know you're surprised he's suddenly got a role--" Kishimoto begins, panicking and looking for his mineral water. Or at least mineral water is what he tells his _editors_ but...

Desperate times call for her desperate measures.

Self-preservation and an aversion to being chidori'ed helps him fish out the almost full sake bottle under his desk.

His expression of triumph turns to complete befuddlement though, as his eyes land on the jonin.

Is he... _wobbling_?

Did he...crack? Uh well, maybe he did put Kakashi through a lot? Does he do method acting? _Maybe_ he should reconsider making Naruto Hokage and invest more in the talk-no-jutsu? 

"Uh...I need to be blunt, I-I'm going to kill him after talk no jut--"

"Moon."

Kishimoto tilts his head.

" _Huh_?"

At this point, Kakashi is visibly shaking.

"Madara Uchiha--" a pause and more shaking,"--c-comes back and aliens--" more shaking, " _Aliens_ \--"

At _this_ point the Jonin is gasping for air and positively wheezing. If Kishimoto hadn't made this character himself, he would have pulled out the sake to put a stop to the supposed panic attack. Because uh, that's how panic attacks work, right?

However, Kishimoto _has_ made this character.

So he scowls and uncorks the stupid sake bottle.

He needs this drink because his character who is supposed to be aloof is _laughing_. (or whatever the Kakashi equivalent of a laugh is).

At _him_.

_Hysterically._

"Ah yes, wow. I see the humor," he deadpans, pouring himself a glass and not seeing the humor, thank you very much.

"N-No..I-" and _giggles_ like a little school girl putting the book away and grasping his stomach with one hand and wiping the barest hints of moisture from his eye with another.

Kishimoto's left eye twitches.

 _Then_ he has the audacity to clear his throat, take his book out and straighten up like nothing happened.

"Right sensei. What's the next plot point," he says, very, very seriously, "after...z-zombie M-Mada _ra_ \--"

His voice squeaks towards the end.

 _Squeaks_.

"Har-har." Kishimoto's eyes shoot upwards to the heavens for a moment as he pours himself another glass of sake. He needs this episode filmed _today_. At five.

It's already eleven A.M now.

And why would he think that the cast hasn't talked among themselves? _Of course_ Obito and Rin would have had a conversation about the Uchiha's role with his teammate.

The white-haired man looks on half-amused, his laughter had died down.

"Plot point?" he eggs on innocently.

"Reincarnations." Kishimoto says, flatly.

"...reincarnations." Kakashi lays out, even _more_ flatly if possible.

"Yes. Chakra...reincarnations."

A pause. And there is a minute twitch in Kakashi's brow before he hunches over, his hands clutching his stomach.

"...r-right.." he manages to say, voice cracking and betraying signs of the incoming laughter.

The (self-proclaimed) pitiful mangaka finds himself explaining about how the all the Hokage would be resurrected, and _yes, Kakashi, it's not a reincarnation this time,- and no we won't be keeping them and you're going to be Hokage--and --yes, it's reanimation, not resurrection, my bad--WAIT, NO, FOR THE LAST TIME, THEY ARE NOT_ _REINCARNATIONS THIS TIME I ALREADY DID IT WITH TWO GENERATIONS._

"Oh, and the ten-tails. It's sealed on the moon." Kishimoto says casually, sipping on his sake.

The jonin stares for a full ten seconds before hyperventilating, a second away from _cackling_ and mumbles _excuse me I-I-I haven't visited Sakura at the hospital in three weeks._ very hurriedly before stashing the book in his back pocket.

A chasm cracks open as space tears around him, sucking Kakashi in and Kishimoto stares for a full moment before setting his sake glass _down_.

"KAKASHI, THE NEXT TIME YOU DO THAT YOU ARE FUCKING _BLEEDING_! KAMUI'S NOT UNTIL LATER SHIPPUDEN!" 

Kishimoto _huffs_.

The man was now making up imaginary creatures called Sakura to get away from his job! The audacity!

And there's Sasuke to deal with.

_Urgh_.


	2. Sasuke

Alright, Sasuke is not very hard to deal with.

The kid was on time, thirteen hours sharp, is polite (more than he hoped), concise, and asks blunt questions. The only problem is the cold look which definitely does not stiffen Kishimoto at all but it can be dealt with.

He was expecting Sasuke to ask pointed questions about the whole _Itachi-good-!-thing_ the editors wanted him to cook up-- 

_Aaaand_ Kishimoto did a pretty amazing job covering it up, didn't he? Excluding the fact that two teens went on to massacre a whole clan, leaving not even one smart member hiding in the forest. 

Uchiha clan strong and scary. Hmph.

(To prove his point he has four crazy-strong Uchihas in his story. Uchihas are strong, okay? ~~Justnotthenon-missingninKonohaones~~.)

Coming back to Sasuke, Kishimoto expected the problem to lie with the Itachi arc. But surprisingly, Sasuke had more trouble with the parts with Naruto. Not the village, not the other characters, not even the other one--the, uh, girl (but he wrote her nice towards the end...right?). But _Naruto_.

"Is he going to scream _Saucekeyyy_ here too?" Sasuke jabs a finger at one of the lines in his poor storyboard before scrunching his nose in distaste.

"And here?"

"This too."

"There's three _Saucekeyyyy_ this chapter."

"Are you going to edit this?"

Okay, deep breaths. Kishimoto needs his sake. _Now_.

"Alright, what's wrong with this part?" he sighs and leans over the desk, reading through his storyboard for the four hundredth to the four hundred and tenth chapter.

The four-hundredth chapter had --Itachi? Oh darn it, he couldn't even offer the kid sak--wait, he's old enough to _kill_ , why not drink, _duh_.

With new resolve and clutching another cup (one of the nice, plastic purple ones just in case the porcelain ones got chidori'ed), his eyes hesitantly glanced up to the Uchiha's to find him scowling, arms crossed over his chest.

"This is the hundredth _Saucekeyyy_ since I've left that goddamn village."

Kishimoto tilts his head.

"Huh?"

There is a pause and Sasuke produces a rather..curious record. On closer squinting and a lot of gawking, he realizes that it's a copy of the storyboard--only that Naruto's lines had been highlighted once in a while.

"This needs to _stop_. Fix it, fix it, fix it!" he stomps and scowls and sends looks so cutting that Kishimoto checks himself for any grazes.

The kid does a complete 180 from goal-oriented-uncaring-asshole (he wouldn't tell anyone that though. Chidori has been a concern lately) to a whining teenager fuming at his mom for cleaning his room.

He lets the moment wash over him completely before regaining his composure. Sometimes he forgets that his characters act and that the Massacre wasn't a thing.

"What do you want me to fix?" he sighs, going through the script.

"This. This. And this!"

"Uh, Naruto's lines?"

"Hn." he looks away and crosses his arms, expecting Kishimoto to "fix" the problem.

Which Kishimoto would do --only if he could _spot_ the problem, that is.

"Look kid, I still don't get what you're saying. Those are very important lines of Naruto's for emotional build-up and... _you don't like him calling your name?_!" he sputters noticing the yellow highlighted lines ominously chanting "Sasukeeee".

Sasuke throws him a very unimpressed look, his mouth pressed firm in a line.

"I want _these_ " he points and _jabs_ at the paper with his index finger " _Saucekeyyyy'_ s gone."

"They're his feelings! He considers you a--"

" _No_." the Uchiha glowers and bristles (kami, _what_.) "He's _dating_ Hinata."

"I see." Yet again, Kishimoto _doesn't_ see, but he is a professional mangaka who will not fall into whataboutery, thank you very much. "I didn't know that. I'll align the canon ships to match, I promise."

"Where the fuck would you that in if he's screeching Sasukeeey's every three seconds?" says, his tone controlled but _eek_ -terrifying. And he _swore_. That isn't really common occurrence with Mikoto Uchiha bursting in from the ceiling so just, this is just, _important_ and _eek_.

"If you didn't know, this is an action manga." Kishimoto levels his voice to show that he's the one unimpressed this time. He is a professional--

"I don't _care_." Sasuke _snarls_ , voice raising and calm facade dissipating by the minute.

"I do! I have a storyline to--"

"I need ships in there!" he shrieks, and the air forebodingly buzzes with electricity.

 _Aw, screw the chidori_ , Kishimoto refills his sake glass. He needs a drink if he's going down anyway.

"Kid I never took you for a romantic but my--"

"Kami, _what_. I'm not a fucking romantic--" he squeaks, cheeks reddening.

"Then what is your problem??!" _Kishimoto_ shrieks in a commendable act of bravery. (And stupidity too if he has a hole in his chest buzzing with electricity after the kid exits the room.)

"I'M NOT _INTO_ THAT!" he slams his fist on the (poor, poor) author's desk, sending the rest of the scripts flying. (Kishimoto briefly registers patting himself in the back for shipping Sasuke with the pink girl. Couples with smash-smash powers. _Ah_ , his inner romantic sighs when confronted with romantic questions, _How purr-fect)_  
But into _what_ exa--

"I-I'm--incest, I, that's not my thing." he sulks, slightly calmer and cheeks redder.

Kishimoto tilts his head.

" _Huh_?"

"I, I, don't -- look, you," he whimpers, shifting in his place, "People are _talking_ about me and Naruto."

 _What_.

"Y-You want to be with Naruto?!" Kishimoto jumps a little, scandalized. 

"What the actual-- I-I-what--I'm _dating_ Sakura!" he _growls_ and looks ready to pounce.

Oh look, this again. Is this Sakura a common made-up creature? Kakashi used the excuse too. 

And what kind of mangaka is Kishimoto? Mangakas observe. Looks underneath the underneath. He got the whole _dynamic_ wrong. To be perfectly honest, he didn't expect to find an actual ninja dimension running sorta parallel with his story, and _technically_ , he didn't have to _adhere_ to it and no one would know.

 _But_.

Kishimoto is an honest mangaka. He surveys and takes in his surroundings to base his work on. Such failure is _unacceptable_.

Or wait, maybe he didn't fail. All those, what was that? Yes, fan comics. _They_ seemed to pick up romantic tension. Maybe he could fit it in?

Sasuke stares at him expectantly, and Kishimoto sheds some tears of youth ( _nope_ this is _not_ Gai's influence, ) before vowing never to fail his characters again. At least not in the romantic department.

"It'll be hard, kid. Swinging that way in a shonen jump magazine--and we're pretty mainstream, just so you know, it's unheard of, unconventional."

"Swinging wha--

Sasuke is impeded from spitting out some nice, colorful words as Kishimoto gives him a disgustingly commiserating look.

"Shonen is action and it's going to be hard squeezing that bit in--"

"--that bit as in ships? My ships?--" Sasuke cuts in, hopefulness cracking into his otherwise annoyed voice.

"--mhm, that, squeezing it in is hard, but don't worry kid, I've got it!"

The Uchiha hn's and hands the paper back to the mangaka all the while glaring distrustfully from the corner of his eyes.

"Right, no more questions? You can go now." Kishimoto waves, reclining into his chair, alarmingly gleeful and twirling his sake bottle.

Well..he supposes he could give the man the benefit of doubt. At least for...now.

He dignifies the mangaka with a Hn and another pointed glare to assert what to focus on when it comes to his character (his _eyes_ ) before turning on his heel towards the door.

* * *

Sasuke shivers a bit as he closes the door behind him. He has the feeling that he's triggered something very, _very_ wrong, something that should have _stayed_ dormant in the author. Something that would bite him in the ass later.

 _Whatever_ , he shrugs, at least he got his point across. And hey, he didn't burn anyone. Or attempt a Chidori. It's a win-win situation for everybody.

(There was no way for the ill-fated Uchiha to know that roughly six-hundred episodes later a _feral_ Sakura chosen to be a surrogate mother for some _Saruto_ would bang on his door and rip his apartment to shreds in the process. Kakashi and Tsunade would then admit to raising a monster.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And thus, Sasunaru/NaruSasu came to be. And hey, it explains the all-of-a-suddenness of the ships ;-;
> 
> It's okay, you can thank me for this lore later.


	3. Naruto

It had been a good three years for Naruto.

Apparently in the "manga" from the other world he went out to train with Ero-Sanin, and there was a "time-skip". This meant, yay, no more stabbing himself in the hand (for a while). And yay, vacation!

However, all good things come to an end. 

Everything from the end of the third year is another problem altogether.

In short? Naruto's life has been a downward spiral.

In longer words? Uh, Naruto likes his spiral puns and he refuses to comment on it.

Just an hour ago Kakashi sensei told him something about Chakra reincarnations. Which, would be a pretty cool thing in Naruto's _very educated opinion_ (and sensei had no reason to be cackling) if he didn't have to fight Gods.

_Shut up, Kurama I don't care if your dad was half God blah blah blah not listening-_

The only information he could wheedle out of Sasuke (after a truck full of tomatoes and shadow clone labor for a week--which that bastard had politely refused to say something about Naruto's unpropitious--it sounded bad--cooking skills) was something about the God being a Granny.

If you didn't know, grannies are terrifying creatures who control everything from Obito-nii to his daughter.

So like a perfectly normal human being (with uh, bijuu chakra) Naruto promptly freaks out and is currently in the process of contemplating his life decisions doing the same because _ahhhhhhh_ white-young-looking-God-grannies and talk-no jutsu wouldn't work like it does on Tsunade Baa-chan and _AHHHHHH_

_I said shut up, damn fox, I heard about your dad, alright, I'm not going against--ouch, it's a woman, dumbass, not your dad--stop giving me a headache! I know you're doing it on purpose!_

He could only hope that the meeting with the mangaka would be better.

"Welcome, Naruto-sama." Kishimoto says politely, because he has wronged this child pairing him up with people he didn't want to be with. The kid even went as far as trying to date said person for the sake of canon and research...

"Huh? S-Sama? Me, 'tebbayo?""Just..sit..please." he croaks groggily.

Huh.

The sake must be getting to him.

"And hehe, sorry I'm late, I actually needed to--"

"Cats?" he drawls, looking over his glasses.

"No! That's Kakashi-sensei," Naruto laughs, voice reverberating and all sunshine and rubs the back of his neck, "I was talking with Sasuke!"

Kishimoto looks up to meet the jinchurukii's eyes and raises an eyebrow.

"You and Sasuke?"

"Uh-huhhh...?"

He shrinks further into his seat mumbling into a sheet of paper, the tell-tale purple of gloom intensifying.

"....alright. I need to make slight changes in the storyboard."

"'Kay, dattebayo!"

"I can't film the episode today." he musters up his most professional voice while pouring more sake in a nice, purple plastic cup (wait did he just drink from the bottle??)

"Do I tell the others th-"

Naruto's brows furrow together as he realizes that the mangaka's attention is on the script. Wait what's with those pretty yellow highlighted--

"Isn't screaming names in passion your jam, kid?" Kishimoto prods all of a sudden, casually swatting the seemingly important paper away.

The blonde blinks. Once. Twice and--

Steam rises from his ears and he flushes, a nice juxtapose of crimson on his tan skin.

Sama first, and now this.

"I-I--Hinat--" he begins only to be shot down.

"And how does this "Sasukeeeeee" sound like? Could you do it for me?" he intones, professionally. Can't forget that bit.

"W-Which scene we doin', 'ttebayo?" he asks, steam rising steadily from his ears still and straightens up. The man was...weird and says, words ...weirdly.. but maybe he could talk to him? 'Cause the guy isn't too weird. 

At least he didn't go around calling people Dickless. Or grind boulders for stress relief. Or set his socks on fire for stress relief. Or read porn for stress relief.

Okay, Naruto needs to sort some things out when he gets home.

"Uh, last war?"

"Haven't read the script yet," he grins sheepishly while fishing for his in the pile of papers near his foot. "I know the basics though, 'ttebayo! We chase the bastard--Sasuke, 'ttebayo--and uh, there's Mada Oji and Obito-nii in the story! Then Itachi-nii's a good guy! And uh, Tobi oji and Hashi Oji are dead but come back and uh, Dad's there? And--and--"

Naruto squints at the mangaka for a moment, hands finding it's way to tousle the hair at the back of his head and falling back to his usual smile.

"I..don't know if this one's a prank from Sensei but...chakra reincarnations?"

"Why does everyone do that?" Kishimoto's eyes blank, and dark clouds gather around him.

"Do _what_?" Naruto asks, a little taken aback.

" _That_. Like-- Like chakra reincarnations are a joke." he intones, very professionally. Wonder why Naruto's shivering?

'No! That's the _coolest thing ever_! Sensei was laughing so I thought--"

All at once, papers fly around the room, Kishimoto wordlessly bulldozing through white, leaving Naruto gaping at the soaring sheets all around him. 

He promptly springs into action--grabbing onto as many sheets he can before turning to glare at the mangaka for being crazy and even _he_ was better at looking for things and--

A bowl of miso ramen. 

He whips out a bowl of Miso ramen from the drawers.

A _notepad_ in a... ball of miso ramen.

  
Naruto blanches and the hair behind his neck perks up, shivers running down Naruto's--no, he's _still_ shivering, he corrects and shakily stacks the scripts on the desk.

The mangaka looks back sunnier, cheerfully oblivious to the rest of the world.

A notepad in a bowl of miso ramen.

A _notepad_ in a bowl of almost--finished miso ramen.

This man--no, he's not a man anymore, he's--he's someone who came up with God Granny, someone with a notepad in a bowl of half-finished miso ramen, someone defiling all the rules of the ramen record--someone who is obviously not frightened for his life in case Kushina Uzumaki drops from the ceiling to witness this--this--abomi--uhhhh--abormi?--err-- _anonimation_??

This _monster_.

There is no talking out of this. (Naruto's definitely not dramatic heart clenches. Sai can go to hell.)

 _How could you?_ Naruto wants to ask, even if he previously said there's not talking out of this mess, with obvious pain in his baby blues, _How did you...reach this point? Who hurt you?_

Monsters aren't _born_ they're _made_. Sakura-chan's a prime example.

He needs to save this man. This pitiful man. He could have been a Kishimoto if he didn't have his beautiful yellow swing. Even with Dad interfering so many people still looked at him in disdain (who Sakura-chan promptly punched and Sasuke-teme burnt but uhhh not the issue)...he could see himself drowning in sake, debts, and a beard, forgetting notepads in ramen bowls.

Forgetting ramen etiquette drilled into him by mother dearest.

What could force someone to go through...this?

  
"Coolest thing ever? You said Chakra reincarnations are the coolest thing ever??" Kishimoto nudges, interrupting Naruto's inner monologue.

The blonde smiled commiseratingly,his eyes softening.

"Yup, and you're the _coolest person ever._ "

"Uh, I sort of killed off your parents and unleashed chaos on an otherwise perfect world?" Kishimoto states, picking up a stray noodle from the bowl absently.

"No. Still the coolest person ever," Naruto replies hurriedly nudging the bowl away before someone gobbled a worm.

The mangaka nods.

 _That is some quality talk-no jutsu idea,_ Kishimoto decides as he scribbles on in his notepad.

"Ah! I had a question! What's the moon plan, sensei?" Naruto asks, suddenly reminded.

"Hm?" he looks up from is notepad, "Nothing, just putting people in perfect dreams. Like, forever."

"Ehhhh no ramen then?" Naruto whines. "I mean, makes sense if that's the evil plan." he adds, wiggling his fingers.

"Inside the dream? Yes."

"Howddyou keep living if you can't eat though?"

"Ah. Zetsu's idea. Thing doesn't care for humanity." Kishimoto mumbles as he keeps on writing.

"But, but, it says Mada Oji did it for peace. And he's _human_."

"Yeah, well, you hear honking, kid? Noise pollution? You see certain people spray painting your face on a respectable another's cars? They die." he bites out through gritted, then face twisting into obvious glee "And there's peace."

...Naruto would have to talk to Mada-Oji when he gets home too.

"Any more questions?" Kishimoto asks.

Naruto shakes his head and counts the number of people he has to talk to when he gets home. One, two, three, four...maybe he could borrow an auditorium?

"Try to keep yourself in shape, okay?" Naruto says absently, still counting, getting out of the chair, and dusting his back. "See you later."

His hands are twisting around the doorknob when Kishimoto speaks again.

"One more question." the mangaka says, peering at the blonde from his bangs.

"Yeah?" Naruto gulps, feeling a prickly sensation at the back of his neck.

"What do you think about therapists?' he asks, very seriously. Kishimoto's well aware that there are too many questionable people in his manga.

Warmth buds in Naruto's chest. The Mangaka was going to seek professional help! That's awesome!

"They're cool!" Naruto grins, then adds very quickly, "It's better if they're trained though!"

_Just in case the mangaka decided to just vent to a friend or something._

To the blonde's surprise though, Kishimoto completely deflates.

"You don't think someone without studying the course could be one?" he mumbles.

"Nuh-uh." Naruto says very sternly, then feels impatient green eyes on him, "I-I think I need to go!"

Kishimoto nods blankly.

The ninja world had lost a precious therapist then.

The doors click shut and Kishimoto grabs his sake. What a day. He's finally done with the OG team Seven. He can't film the episode today, obviously, there's drafting to be done.  
It's on his fifth sip of the more expensive (and only available now) sake that he realizes that someone's watching him. It's a subtle sensation, but he writes a ninja manga after all-he has to have some self-preservation skills.

The room is so quiet you could hear an eraser drop.

Whoever they are, they're stealthy.

Terror claws into his throat. With shaky hands and zero self-preservation skills, Kishimoto twists the recliner chair towards the door and--

Glowing greens meet his eyes, choppy pink hair falling with gravity, a body latched on the darkest corner of the ceiling.

Kishimoto _screams_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yes, naruto sensed sakura and thats why he hurried out lmao.


End file.
